December 2008


Yesterday I went out to the mall here in St. Louis.  I have shopping malaise, wherein I have just been bored to tears at the stores.  I mean, I went into an ExpressMen and even the shop clerks were like “hi. can i help you? we’re having a sale right now blah blah blah.”  Ok, I might have made the blah blah blah part up.  But it was very bored.  I think it’s part of this overall economy.  

Anyway, Mall Fashion:  There is something about the mall that causes people to dress like shit.  Like, oh, I’m gonna run up to the mall for a few hours, so I’ll wear stretch pants, keds, an oversized Christmas sweater and tease my hair to within an inch of it’s life.  And true story – this was an outfit I witnessed yesterday not Christmas 1986.  Delightful.  I guess my big problem is that if you are going to the mall to shop, you should probably dress like the clothes you’re planning on buying.  Like with shoes.  If you are going out to buy sneakers, you wouldn’t wear pumps or sandals.  

Am I being wrong? I mean am I expecting too much from people?  I suppose part of it has to do with laziness and how you were raised.  My mother used to let us out of the house in whatever we wanted and those pictures are pretty embarrassing now.  So somewhere around high school, I took active pursuit in making sure that my clothes were appropriate for the situation.  And now, I wouldn’t imagine dressing like shit to go shopping.  I mean there’s nothing wrong with looking like a damn fool when you go out on your patio for a smoke or if you run down to CVS because you ran out of Diet Coke and now need more. NEED MOAR.  But there’s something wrong to me about looking like shit when you go to the mall. 

I am also calling for a general campaign to end Crocs.  FOREVER.  I won’t even link to their website out of fear someone might stumble upon this blog and follow the link and then actually buy some of them.  THEY ARE RUBBER SHOES THAT ARE BAD FOR YOUR FEET.  As I tell my dog:

NO!

Oh my, has it really been that long since I’ve updated?  I suppose.  I am currently in the midwest which is where fashion means nothing.  Seriously.  These are people who think that Crocs are appropriate for a Christmas dinner.   My dad’s wife actively encouraged him to wear his new black Crocs to Christmas dinner.  They are not just the regular Crocs.  Nay, these are the ones with the fleece lining.  Thankfully, though my father is not fashion-concsious at all (this is a man who tucks in sweaters, after all), he decided to go with a non-athletic brown sneaker.   Here’s my problem with Crocs: they are ugly.  If you are a woman, they make your legs look dumpy and squat.  If you are a man, they make you look like a male nurse.  There are 3 places you are allowed to wear Crocs: if you actually are a nurse, go for it – it looks like a part of a nurse’s uniform and they work.  If you are a gardener.  I imagine they would be cool and comfortable in the summer and warm in the winter.  If you are at home and need a little houseshoe or something.  THAT IS IT.  I AM SO ANTI-CROCS!

Another thing I’m against is this idea that brown is only a neutral.  Here’s the scenario.  I wore a brown button down shirt and a pair of brown dress pants with a black belt and black shoes.  The black acts as the neutral and the brown is the color.  This is not the same as mixing brown and black shoes and belts as neutrals.   THE BROWN IS THE MAIN COLOR.  IT IS NOT A NEUTRAL IN THIS CASE.  As my idols, Stacy and Clinton always say: It doesn’t need to match, it needs to go.  My outfit went.   Brown is actually quite a good color to use in an outfit.  Very few people look bad in brown and it’s a lot warmer and richer than black.

And lastly – Christmas-themed clothing.   STOP IT.  You can say “Christmas” with your clothing without actually having a Christmas tree on your sweater.  Seriously.  There’s no reason for it.  WE ALL KNOW IT IS CHRISTMAS. We do not need your holly green cable knit sweater with the Rudolph the Reindeer applique on it to let us know it is the holidays.  You know how you do a holiday outfit?  A red cable knit sweater over a nice button-down shirt and a pair of slacks for men.  For women, a nice dress in a bright, rich color preferably in a shiny, shimmery fabric.  That’s it.  No reindeer brooches or earrings in the shape of wreaths.  Or sweaters with Santas on them saying “Ho Ho Ho!”  Of course, with every fashion dictate, there is an exception.  In this case it is teachers.  Elementary school teachers to be exact.  They are allowed to wear that stuff to be cutesy and fun.  But if you are a teacher?  You need to leave that in your school.  Please don’t wear that out in public.

So Merry Christmas and Happy Chanukah dear readers.  I’ll probably post a year-end post before the new year!